Monday, August 3, 2015

free falling

This week has been a whirlwind. Last Monday I went into work, after having taken a long weekend, sat down at my desk to start the 8 hour day at my dark little cubicle. 12 minutes later I run to the bathroom in tears. Nothing happened, there was no event that occurred that suddenly made my job any less bearable than it already was, but something snapped. 20 minutes later one of my supervisors comes to find me and I ended up leaving to go back home and get myself together. Six days later I still haven't been back and just called in to discuss giving my notice. I now am unemployed and terrified, again. 

I'm reading all of these articles about millennials and debt and how hard it is for post-grads right now. These things give me a limited amount of consolation as I am reading them, to know that it isn't just me. Still, going through it all individually is isolating and overall, just rough, especially when so many people I graduated and grew up with are doing so well (seemingly, at least). I've been told over and over again this week to not compare myself to others, just because a) others seem to be doing better than I am, and b) I can't make decisions for my life based on what someone else is doing. 

Quitting my job makes me feel like a failure and a child. I feel like a spoiled brat. While millions of people are working jobs every day that they hate just to survive; I just quit mine. It was (financially) a good job. The first full time job with benefits that I was able to support myself on. But it was a shitty job that not many people can do, with a very high turnover rate. It had nothing to do with what I studied and planned to do. Luckily I have a family and enough resources to make it while I am looking for another job; but I am a restless, independent person, and having to once again to depend on my family to help get me by is humiliating. 

The job was killing me, though. It was a dungeon-level-corporate-drone job in a cubicle with 1,000 other people just as miserable as me. I was settling in, out of exhaustion from having been looking for a job for two years and only being able to find something that was nowhere close to a good fit for me, trying to make plans around a place I shouldn't be and putting all of my goals on the back burner. All of the things I've wanted for my life became "someday's" and "I'd like to's". Every day I was consciously turning into someone I never thought I would or wanted to be. I was always thinking about the girl I was at 17 and 18 and how let down she would be to know where I am now. 

Now I am both excited and terrified. The last two years since graduation seem to have all been for naught and I'm starting at the bottom with no real prospects and a load of financial logistics to muddle through. Nothing is certain and there's not a branch to hold on to, aside from my family. I have no idea what is going to happen. On the bright side, I'm starting to gain some of my motivation back and planning out things for my life that I could actually look forward to, and I'm doing my best to keep looking forward. 


I am posting this photo from my drive down the Amalfi Coast in Italy last year as a reminder of a time when my life when I was terribly low, but still adventuring out on my own and growing. 

Is anyone else reading this going through something similar? It's good to know you're not alone in these kinds of situations. I'd love to hear from you.

Sunday, August 2, 2015

weekly playlist

listening to this week.  I'm going to try and start making these playlists more regularly, like weekly. I want to make a more conscious effort to discover new music more often, instead of listening to  the same things all the time.

Thursday, July 30, 2015



After the other day's, ambiguous-gloomy post, I thought I'd share something, well, a little brighter. Here are some things I've currently had my eye on. The majority of which are from shop I don't own anything from them quite yet, but that's going to change very soon, I'm sure. I love that phone case and I don't even have an iPhone 6. I need some retail therapy, and soon.